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It begins as a conversation in a bar, as all such conversations should. I am looking for a home near the kids in Canada, I tell the architect from Toronto. His excitement ebbs a bit when he realizes I'm merely making conversation, not asking him to design my very own Antilla. But he does, halfway through his third Canadian Club; ask if I've ever considered an island. This is a stupid question. Of course I've considered an island. Unfortunately, sales from my last novel fell short of the $100 million mark by a bit. Well, by $100 million actually. So I'm settling for something with a few less zeroes attached to the price tag.
When he tells me how cheap it can be to buy one, I put it down to the whisky. But it does get me curious enough to make some calls the next day. Francisco Scaramanga, Bond's nemesis with the golden gun, had to rely on the goodwill of the Chinese government for his private hideaway. In 2012, Larry Ellison spent a reported $600 million on buying Lanai Island in Hawaii. Richard Branson boasts that one of his best business deals was buying Necker Island in the Seventies for $180,000. The Caribbean resort is now valued at over $100 million.
But for those of us not blessed with a few billion dollars or a friendly dictator handing out favours, there's still hope. The cheapest island currently listed is actually in America, off the Maine coast. The one- acre property will set you back less than $40,000. That same one acre in the South Pacific will set you back $200,000. See? Still affordable. Yes, the most expensive island on the market right now will cost over $300 million, but do keep in mind it's practically a part of the Portuguese capital city, Lisbon. If you're willing to move a little further away from the good life, you can do it without breaking the bank.
My trip to paradise begins with trying to explain to a broker that I don't want paradise. Nor do I want to build a small resort that I can rent out. Peeved at not getting a trip to the Caribbean at my expense, he takes his time looking for something I might find suitable. The first few offerings range from the absurd to the ridiculous. There's the island that has a sheltered cove perfect for swimming. Unfortunately, at low tide the cove is at the bottom of the garden, and at high tide the garden is at the bottom of the cove. There's another that is a resting place for migratory birds. Terrific if you're a birdwatcher. Not so terrific if you don't like wading through foot-deep bird droppings twice a year.
The first time he finds me something suitable, we fix a date to go visit. I drive down to the dock and wait beside a 45-foot cabin cruiser as instructed. It turns out this is not our mode of transportation. Instead, I am led to a two-seater, single prop floatplane that looks like a ride at Disney World. I point out as we barely skim the wave tops that my leather sandals are getting wet. He tells me I should have worn flip- flops. Landing to see my potential property is a simple matter of lining up the plane with some rather large rocks and bouncing over the water like a flat stone until we reach the beach. His description of the charms of this particular paradise falls on deaf ears. I'm too busy puking behind a palm tree.
After several misdirected adventures, I have finally managed to narrow down the choices to two. They're large enough for dogs to run free, but small enough to not need more than a caretaker. Both are about a 30-minute boat ride to the nearest town, close enough to pop over when necessary. Far enough to not have neighbours.
Not that island living is all about a monk-like existence. Of course, it helps to be a misanthrope like me, hoping to not see a friendly face for weeks at a stretch. I can't think of a better way to discourage people from dropping in casually for a cocktail than by separating myself from them by a few miles of ocean. But if music, laughter and the sight of your friends first thing in the morning excites you, an island is the ultimate real estate trump card. Who needs the farmhouse a half hour from Delhi to throw a party when you can do it on your own private beach?
And now let's get practical... The first thing you need to do is decide where you want to be. The tropics will give you sunshine, rain and the occasional cyclone. Move further north, and you have your choice of the Mediterranean and the Caribbean islands with as much sunshine but without that annoying daily rain shower. And then, there are islands in more temperate climes like Ireland, Scotland and Canada, windswept and wild, useable for only six months of the year. There are islands to be had in India, but the most picturesque, the ones in the Andamans, aren't easy to get. The best you can do is lease, but that means dealing with Indian bureaucracy.
There are islands in Kerala too, but most in name only, often just a stone's throw from the nearest village with the backwaters flowing around. Islands in Kerala begin around Rs 4-5 crore and climb up to around Rs.20 crore. Buy one instead of a Bentley. It's not like you'll need the car once you do.
Crossing immigration and customs will give you options in Sri Lanka and the Maldives. Most islands available in these countries are leasehold. That doesn't mean they're cheap, so you can expect to drop a couple of million bucks for one. Check the fine print. Make sure the lease is transferable, and is long enough so you don't find yourself packing your bags in a few years' time. Thailand and Indonesia, a few hours further, might be a better option as they have more freehold on the market.
You also need to figure out how to get back to the mainland. The very obvious answer is across the water, but distance will determine whether you can get away with a rowboat or whether you're going to need a cruiser that can handle uncooperative seas. If you're more adventurous than I am, there are seaplanes or, if your island is large enough for a landing strip, any light aircraft.
Consider connectivity. If you're lucky enough to be around civilization, your mobile phone will work, and possibly even give you internet access. Otherwise, it's going to mean rigging a satellite setup that'll give you everything from television to telephones.
You're also going to have to invest in a generator and a desalination plant if you plan on living there for more than a few weekends a year.
And finally, accept that it will cost you about 50 per cent more to build or maintain infrastructure on an island than it will anywhere else. There's the cost of carting material over, for one. And the overtime you'll pay a plumber the next time the tap's leaking.
